tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central March 22, 2013 1:00am-1:30am PDT
replace him with the old man, my giant. i want the a catted he's to know i'm putting my hat in the ring. i put together a sample reel of what to expect with someone funny he helm. at the helm. >> good evening. welcome to the 84th annual academy awards. i'm your host daniel tosh. you may know me from "the love guru" and that's it sorry if i don't hit all of my marks tonight. ret radner told me -- for homosexuals. eddie murphy couldn't be here he's business other getting blown by a transgender prostitute. i would like to thank george clooney for taking a break from screwing every cocktail waitress. let me smell your finger, george. no woman is good enough for you. apparently the script "men who
stare at ghosts" was. meryl streep. imagine what she could of accomplished if she was pleasant to look at. i tease you're as gorgeous as you can be at this time in your life. jay edgar, who would of guest this would of been borrowing. my favorite part is the lady in the row behind me made a phone call. you're 81 clint eastwood. the only thing you should direct is your nurse for another spoon of apple sauce. now a song. ♪ the oscar. >> daniel: i'm sure the academy will make the right decision. like when they picked anne hathaway and james franco. keep up with my blog, follow me on twitter and come see me on tour. for the holidays head to
tosh.comedycentral.com. we have shirts and hoodies and other stuff made of cotton. unfortunately the fascist lawyers wouldn't let me sell the vibrating nipple head that. would have changed lives. finally before we go i'm sick of you asking me to show puke videos much we will be gone until 2012. to shut you up until then i thought i would put one last bad taste in your mouth. (puking sounds) >> oh my god (puking) >> oh my god (puking) >> daniel: good night. maybe i will see you next year.
♪ ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. big show tonight! oh, the actor paul have you had here. let me guess you made another (bleep) movie and it's really (bleep) good. give someone else a chance. anyway -- wait a minute -- where is my pen? [laughter] i specifically remember applying for a federal grant for a pen -- [laughter] -- where is my pen? it's official. >> the sequestration has arrived. >> $85 billion in automatic government spending cuts.
>> jon: dammit! [laughter] the first penalty of the sequester, my federal pen program. fake thing. [ laughter ] the sequester is here. the arbitrary budget cuts that were so onus congress would never allow the sequester to take effect. remember? >> it was ugly. it was designed to be ugly. >> onerous and undesirable and it remains our view it's no way to go. >> no way it can happen. >> automatic triggers are set up to be so painful we don't have to get to that point. >> it will not happen. >> jon: of course it will n .t. democrats and republicans would have to be not to goat to this ball punch it's like dennis rodman in north korea. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] yeah, or the hottest show in the
country being about duck call manufacturing. by the way, even though coming up with the most basic of spending cut and tax revenue frameworks was beyond the skill level of this congress there was another way to completely avoid the arbitrary cuts. >> we will be amongst the first on the floor to nullify that provision. scong not bound by this. it's something we passed. we can reverse it. >> i think we'll bypass the trigger mechanism. we'll say time out it doesn't apply. >> jon: all they had to do was go -- i get i. passing a budget can be hard but time out (bleep) is easy. that's why the founders in their infinite wisdom gave congress three timeouts per legislative session and one not it. [ laughter ] but it still happened. because congress as always its infinite wisdomming forgot how
(bleep) incompetent they are. it was like they tied a belt around the neck and looped it over the shower curtain in the hopes that this pressure would somehow heighten the sensation of getting something done. [laughter] [cheers and applause] here is the thing. here is the thing that couldn't didn't realize. here is the thing about autoerotic asphyxiation. everybody thinks they can pull it off until they can't. now it's been three days and the mail is starting to pileup outside congress and we're looking at a very awkward memorial. [ laughter ] all right. this is get together main players in this drama as each of them slipped up in the public remarks last week. >> i'm presenting a fair deal. the fact that they don't take it means that i should somehow, you know, do it a jedi mind meld with these folks and convince
them to do what is right. >> how much more money do we want toll steal from the american people to fund more government? >> jon: did you see what happened there? obama's messup was he confused the star weeks jedi mind trick with the star trek vulcan mind meld two completely different things. john boehner referred to taxation as theft which shows that the lacks understand of constitution which was is he in charge. i wonder which gets more attention. >> president obama getting the wrath of sci-fi fans. >> saying there was no jedi mind meld. >> the president seemed to confuse the mind meld with star wars jedi mind trick. this is jedi saj relidge. >> did he mess up, didn't he?
>> jon: speaker of the house said taxing people stealing. if there's ever a fact you don't need to check it's anything to do with star wars or star trek iflt will be check. here is a shot of twitter's server one second after obama said it. >> do a jedi mind meld. [explosion] [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> jon: but -- they really have to fix that flaw in the design of death star. the president in speaker boehner's statements we get a hibt of why the sequester is happening. the penalty for not finding a way to balance revenue and spending consists of cuts in spending. how do republicans feel about cuts in spending. we want to reduce the size of government. >> reduce the debt. shrink the size of government. >> we need to cut spending. >> more limited government. put it on a strict atkins style
diet. >> jon: i wish i was there when democrats said there's going to be massive across the board spending cuts. i'm sure the republicans were like, okay! [laughter] if that's what you want. basically the sequester amounts to catching your kid smoking and forcing him to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes only your kid is denis leary. in case you are wonder being this incompetence that will implications for the neediestest does it have implications for congress? not so much. >> members of congress, the very people who voted to put this in place won't see any change to their own $174,000 paychecks. >> jon: what an onerous
penalty for. there are worst penalties for (bleep) on top chef than congress. at least there you have to pack your knives and go. with last chance kitchen nowadays you get to work back in. and there's the all star season and parachuting contestants in for no good reason. you brought josi imrerks back? cj is cool at least he can cool. [cheers and applause] you know what? i'm beginning to realize that autoerotic asphyxiation isn't right metaphor for this sequester. because congress did rig it up and if they pulled off the compromise it would have felt amazing for them but as usual they did it wrong and we're blacking out while they are all erking jerking [cheers and applause]
>> jon: welcome back. oh, i was so angry about the sequestration this weekend i needed some cheering up. luckily the sunday news shows provide much needed levity. mitt romney in his first interview since losing last november and dennis rodman in his first experience view visiting north korean leader kim jong u.n. two men trying to figure out what the hell just happened to
they. to the comploamcy mobile, how did dennis rodman end up in north korea. >> if you are bonderring out there why kim jong u.n. -- jong un and rodman got together he was a big fan of bulls in the 80s. >> jon: that's y. i thought he was maybe a huge fan of double team and jean claude van damme. being a fan of the bulls is like a bottle of tequila how far the roster do you work to get down to the worm? you know what i'm saying? you know mj and pip yen -- pippen aren't going. they couldn't gut luy longly or dluc longley or kerr. let's go to romney. >> the weakness the campaign had, that i had, was we wrnlt
effective to take the message to minority voters. that was a real weakness. >> jon: but rich white people seemed to like it enormously. remind me again governor romney what was the message? >> 47% with him who depend on the government very much who believe they are victims and government has responsibility for them. >> jon: your message, yeah. i think the problem wasn't getting your message out. the problem was despite your best efforts it got out. any thoughts? >> very unfortunate statement that i made. when you speak in private you don't spend as much time thinking about how something could be twist and distorted and come out wrong. >> jon: twisted and distorted. setting aside you weren't speaking in private, you were at a banquet unless your kitchen
seats 100 -- okay, you were in private. twisted and distorted it's a tape recording of what you said. give me rodman. you called them great leaders do you really believe that? >> what i saw in that country, i saw in that country people respect him and his family. that's what i mean about that. >> aren't they forced to? >> well, i say no. [ laughter ] >> jon: of course he's going to say no. they clearly tortured him over there. they left those metallic pain devices -- sorry, i'm told that's a deliberate style choice and that dennis rodman's money coach should have tipped me off. take me away romney how did it feel losing. >> it was a crushing disappointment not for us. our liveses are going to be fine. it's for the country. -- our lives are going to be fine.
it's for the country. >> jon: you had four months to come up with the answer and you go with what the women on maury used to say after their fiancee slept with their sister. i'm not sad for me i'm sad for you because you could have had all this. (bleep). [laughter] [cheers and applause] rodney? >> he's a great guy. a great guy. if i sit down to talk to him. the subject -- >> a great guy who puts 200,000 people in prison camps. >> you know, we do the same thing here. bill clinton can have sex with his secretary and get away with it and still be powerful. >> jon: here is my impression of two north korean prison inmates in dennis rodman's imagination. did you hear that u.s. president was blown by his intern? wow, that place is no better
than here. yeah, pretty much the same place. [ laughter ] remember the first of us who dies gets eaten by the other, right? how did ambassador rod minnesota's complete lack of foreign policy knowledge not come out in the confirmation hearing? i don't know. let's get a simple moment, maybe something about the family. >> matt and craig live close to an open space area. we throw the balls to the dogs. we play sports with the kids. they lick kick balls, hitting baseballs. we do what grandparents are expected to do with grand kids. >> jon: do you see why you snroft i'm not suggest you don't have a wonderful and warm relationship with your family and grandchildren in these open space areas -- [laughter] -- but you need to understand that we humans -- [laughter] -- we call them parks. [ laughter ]
you can't describe them as "open space areas" and expect to win elections because humans tend to vote for other humans. but in the end, sunday morning's epic battle to misconstrue basic human relationships to had to go to dennis rodman who had one form for the one family dictatorship. >> one thing i noticed about him he was very humble as a kid he's very humble. [laughter] >> jon: yes, the 28-year-old who convened this 100,000 person military parade in his own honor is the picture of humility. you know what? i see what is happening here rodman's arrest -- arrogance gauge is thrown off from being on celebrity apprentice. >> i'm the largest real estate
developer in new york. do you understand me? i'm going sue you? we're going to see the nicest apartment in new new york city, my apartment. >> jon: he spent so much time hanging out with trump that compared to the guy that thinks god chose his fa to to xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [cheers and applause]
>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight an actor. his new movie is called "admission." >> nelson loves traveling. he loves it. we've lived in ind kneesal. we built a water purifcase system in miramar. >> you are just a single dad traveling the world with his kid doing good. >> sounds -- i have it on a t-shirt. you can borrow it if you like. >> i'm not sure people would believe it on me. >> jon: please welcome back to the program mr. paul rudd. [cheers and applause] >> hello! [cheers and applause] >> jon: no you. that is the first time on this program -- first time facial hair has gotten a standing
ovation. >> nice. >> jon: got anchorman written all over it. it does. that's why it's here. >> jon: are you filming the next thing. >> just started yeah. >> jon: same cast or did they have to replace fer develop too big. >> all new people. >> jon: you are the hero in this one from what i understand. >> i'm trying to make it that. >> jon: really? >> no, it's not. right now. >> jon: nobody listens. you are a big star. let me say this about the movie with you and tina. how can you go wrong with you and tina fey? you cannot go wrong. >> wow. you could certainly go wrong with me i don't think you could go wrong with tina fey. >> jon: i was trying to be nice. i don't disagree with that sentiment at all. >> that's not false humility it's basic truth. >> jon: i have a t-shirt that says that you were so cute.
let me ask you something. we're not going to talk about the movie because it's going to be great and you are great and all that (bleep). i have sandra day o'connor coming on tomorrow. i'm nervous. if you don't mind let me work out some of the stuff i was going to ask her on you. >> fine. >> jon: first of all judge -- do i still refer to you as judge? >> call me sandy. [laughter] >> jon: um, ah, -- [laughter] >> don't be nervous. >> jon: thank you, sandy, i appreciate that sandy, you were the first woman selected for the supreme court. that was an enormous honor but also enormous responsibility. how did you handle that? >> as best i could. i just wanted to be respectful of the position, clearly a very important, maybe the most important court. >> jon: right. >> [laughter] >> and ah --
[laughter] and when i first got there -- >> jon: it is one of the most important courts. >> when i got there john stevens and i went out for an all-night bender. >> jon: wait, what? you and stevens -- he really took you under his wing to some extent? >> yes, yes. >> jon: what did rehnquist when you got there? >> you know he would always give me the cold shoulder. i don't know what i did to the guy. the evil eye. >> jon: is sandy, so sorry. >> we got past it. do you what you have to do. >> jon: what do you have to do on the supreme court? >> wake up by 11:00. >> jon: no wonder they wear robes no time put your clothes on. >> no, no,. >> jon: it's 11:00, i'm late. >> a little bit like working in a firehouse right down the pole. you never want to go after
scalia. >> jon: really. >> never you want him to go last. >> jon: never washes his hands. >> jon: i didn't know that the supreme court justices live aabove the court. they do. they house us all. we have sleeping racks. bunks it's like a military. >> jon: i can't believe i hasn't been made into a reality show. here is what happens when judges start being polite. >> and start getting real. >> jon: oh, yeah. more importantly, you know, you were the deciding vote in mcconnell versus fcc. obviously that has had enormous implications for financing. regrets? >> regrets, i've had a few. >> jon: i knew it. i knew it! you don't let me down, boy! you don't let me down, boy! an improv genius. how many songs were you going through before that one? >> it was out of the gate. i didn't know whether or